Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Anxiety




Every second feels like a minute, and I feel the constant need to keep checking the time, to see how long until this is over. It's not that I don't want to be here, I don't want to be surrounded by so many people in such a small space. It makes me feel like I can't breathe, and I'm constantly afraid that everyone's looking at me. I start to feel sick, and there's nothing that can help. The feeling grows and grows until I struggle to breathe, feeling as if all oxygen has been taken away from me. You don't understand what's happening, and I can't explain it. You try to help, but you don't know how, and that's not your fault, you've never felt like this before.

It's not just large groups that cause me to be like this. It's worse only being with one person, as I worry about how I seem to them, and what they think of me. I start to think a lot more, as I know them personally, and worry a lot more about what they think compared to someone I don't really know. You're talking and I start to fiddle with something, anything, just to calm my mind. I start pulling at my hair band, picking at my nail varnish, biting the inside of my cheek. You think I'm not listening and begin to get angry, but I'm too scared to tell you the real reason why I've stopped paying attention. I think you'll judge me, and I'm afraid. I think you'll pity me, and I'm afraid. I think you'll patronise me, and I'm afraid.

It's the little things that worry me the most. The things you might find silly. I'm worried that I forgot to switch off the light, or forgot to bring something with me. I have to keep checking that I have everything, I’m always afraid that I’ve lost something. I worry that someone is walking behind me, perhaps following me, perhaps not. But still, I keep checking behind me to ensure no one is there. If I see someone, my natural instinct is to speed up, but that makes me look like a bad person, which only worries me more.

I get scared to talk. Not even in front of large crowds, sometimes I’m scared to talk in front of one person. Even the people I’m closest to. I worry about what you’ll think of me, so I try not to talk. Then the awkward silence overpowers me, and I wish I had the confidence to speak. As soon as we disagree on something, I worry that you’ll hate me for criticising something you like. I wish that I wasn’t like this, I wish I could have a normal conversation without worrying all the time. I wish I could just tell you how I feel, without being afraid to do so.

I try my hardest to hide how I feel, so that you won't keep constantly asking if I'm okay. Opening up and talking is the hardest thing, and you don't realise this. You feel like I'm shutting you out, but it's only because I'm afraid. You feel like I don't care anymore, but the truth is I care too much. I try to be happy around you, but it only makes me worse when I'm alone. I want to make you happy, but I haven’t even figured out how to make myself happy.

You don’t realise just how much this affects me. It can stop me doing simple, everyday tasks. I even feel afraid when I’m at home alone, even though that’s the one place that I should feel safe. Whenever I hear a voice I’m terrified that they’re talking to me. Whenever I hear laughing I’m worried that they’re laughing at me.

It’s easy to hide who I am online. It’s easy to seem positive and ensure no one knows the truth. But it’s time this changed. It is estimated that 1 in 4 people in England will suffer from a mental health problem during their life. It is time to stop hiding this and start speaking out about it, making people more aware of just how much it affects us. It’s time people realised how common mental health problems are, and how they destroy us from the inside out.

This thing is controlling my life. This thing is destroying me. This thing is anxiety. And it affects millions of people.





So that’s it for today’s post, I hope you enjoyed it.

Much love, Cara xxx

19 comments:

  1. You have been very truthful and Its written amazingly

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  2. Wow Cara. This is really brave and honest of you x

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  3. All the words have been written in the way you could only use to describe anxiety!!!! well done

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    1. It means she used words (vocabulary) to fit the topic well, that explained anxiety well. Basically, her word choices were really good! Hope this helped,
      Sophie x

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  4. Great post! I feel the same! I was on google plus to see what posts I could read, and obviously this one caught my attention. It's amazing because so many of the posts like this are rubbish, but this one is great!
    Sophie x

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    1. Thank you so much, it took me so long to put it together to explain anxiety in the way that I wanted it to x

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  5. Hello,
    (Me again!). I read your post again- it's really amazing! I'm kind of in desperate need if a guest post- I go on holiday on the 24th, and need to schedule lots of posts! Please comment below on my blog (littlemissbloggerxxx.blogspot.com) if you would be willing for me to copy and paste this post, to use as a guest post for my blog. I'd obviously give you all the credit, and make it as clear as possible it's your work, as well as leaving the link to your blog on my blog, in order to get more pageviews from my viewers! I think this is a great idea, and it's a win-win for both of us. Let me know as soon as possible if you're willing!
    Thank you so much for your time,
    Sophie xx

    And also, if there's anyone else reading this, who isn't Clara, please comment on my blog to contact or get in touch with me and I'd be happy to offer the same package for you!

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  6. I hate to do this and correct you, but you've put my name as Clara, when it's actually Cara x

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    1. Sorry- noticed once I'd posted it! Really sorry! AA so embarrassing!

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  7. Just so you know, I've been replying to all of your comments on my blog! I was wondering if I could ask a MASSIVE favour from you. Would you mind completing this form, it's basically a survey of my blog. I'd just really like to know your feedback. Here's the link: https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLSfIyecE5OhM0tsHMREkT5_uz90nyWHLnQ5aTt6FrunlguT3vA/viewform Also, what's your Instagram?? Reply on my blog, if you don't mind! Thank you so much!
    Sophie xxx

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    1. I've just completed the survey x

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    2. Thank you so much- appreciated! I'd love to get to know you too! My gmail is sophie180504@gmail.com, and we can text on that and stuff? Xxx What's yours? Xx And you seem so nice too!!!!

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  8. Hey,
    Do you think you could spare a few minutes to read my blog? I'm writing a book and am on the hunt for a few questions so I can do a Q&A? Could you please spare the time to leave me a question about anything, from my blog to myself that I could write an answer for in my blog?
    If so, that would be much appreciated!
    Sophie x

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